Susan Spess Shay

Still playing make believe.


♥♥♥ Mother’s Day Torture ♥♥♥

Mother’s Day, 2012. Are you ready?

As an official Mother, I take the holiday very seriously. Hey, it’s time when Moms get to rake in gifts! What’s not to love?

In fact, each year I take out my beautiful Mother’s Day memories and polished them bright.

When I was a little girl, Grandmother lived next door. Each MD, she reminded us we were supposed to wear a red rose to church that morning, but she wore a white one. Why? we always asked. Because our mother was here on earth, hers was in Heaven.

So on MD morning, we’d ravage the rose bushes at the Spess houses. I don’t remember using clippers, and scissors went missing more often than not, so we just kind of peeled them off the bush.

I don’t raise roses, but even I know that can’t be a good thing.

When we’d get to church, there was always a contest to see who had the most kids. It started out with every mother with 1 child, stand up. (That way every mom was recognized.) Then it went on until it got to six kids. Someone (Mrs. Maxwell?) had more kids, so some years the kids had to be present just to give Mama a chance.

After Mrs. Maxwell (or whomever it was) passed away, Mom had the prize by the horns. Other moms crossed their fingers and hoped our mom would have to be gone one year, but she never missed. 🙂 And yes, her kids were nearly always there. (Hey, it’s Mother’s Day.)

One of my favorite Mother’s Day Memories stars Danny. Because of his lack of remorse over it, I’ve reserved the right to torture him as much as possible.

One year, he was in Sunday School with his two cousins, Grant and Kyle. They made Mother’s Day cards for their craft that day.

When they came out of SS, they came out together and ran up to Debbie. “Here, Mama.” Grant handed her his card.

“Here, Mama.” Kyle handed her his card.

“Here, Aunt Deb.”

Danny had made his card for my sister.

“Happy Mother’s Day, Aunt Deb.”

I laughed so hard, I nearly cried.

And to this day, he refuses to feel guilty about it. “Peer pressure, Mom. Gets me every time.”

I wonder if Sister Debbie saved that card? I would have. (Tear.)

In his honor, I found a delightful website with absolutely hilarious Mother’s Day cards. It’s called Wit and Whistle. I’m always the last to hear about these things, so everyone else has probably enjoyed them for years.

If you haven’t, check it out. It might not be your cup of tea, but at least you’ll get a little insight into my skewed sense of humor.

Front: ”thanks for loving me even though I plowed through your lady parts with my big bulbous baby head”

Inside: “you’re the best”

The perfect brand new, first time mom card! LOL.

Front: “thanks for squeezing me out”

Inside: Blank.

But what can you say after that?

 Front: ”in the animal kingdom some mothers eat their babies”

Inside: ”Thanks for not eating me. Happy Mother’s Day!”

I can’t help it. They make me snort with laughter.

This next one, I like best. It doesn’t make me laugh, but it makes me smile a really, really big smile.

Front: “you were always my favorite”

 Inside: “don’t tell dad”

Maybe #1 could buy that for Aunt Deb this year. 🙂

So how about your family? Do you go for the sweet and sappy cards or is your mom like me, just a little bit twisted?

Here’s a hint–laughter keeps a woman young. Go for it!

Ps: I don’t know the women at Wit and Whistle. I saw their website today for the first time. (Love the Bee Vomit card, btw) I’ve never even bought a card. But I have a feeling I will. Oh, yeah!